“You’re a Queen Mother,” he told me, “inside of you is a medicine that will help many people!” Those were the words of the Ghanaian Shaman with whom I met to give me insight into my life’s path. I cried—not just because of that, but because he also spoke about my grandmother, with whom I didn’t get along while she lived. He told me that she was proud of me– and it left me completely undone!
Not long before that, I had my astrological chart read; since I can remember, I have long been fascinated by the effects that one’s birthdate has on their behavior, so this encounter was long overdue. This woman relayed to me the same message—that at my core is the essence of “mother” and “nurturer”, and that it would be within the confines of those two paradigms that I would complete my life’s work.
Was I surprised at the words of the Shaman or his predecessor? Absolutely not! I have been doing what I like to call “mama-en” for a very long time. When my younger brother arrived, approximately eight years after me, he immediately became my child, for a plethora of reasons: one of which being that my mother (at the time) was not too enthused about the burden and responsibility of an additional child. The other, was because I loved him immensely and wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I also, at various times, was a mother to my mom, who frequently leaned on me for support, especially after I became a (legal) adult. Though this load often felt too heavy to carry, I acquiesced to this dynamic, because it was all I knew to do . Later in college, among my friend circle, I again was the mama bear. Since then, in addition to having five of my own biological children, I have gone on to adopt many people who’ve either been lost, broken, or who simply just needed, or lacked a mother’s touch.
In doing so, however, there have been profound lessons learned and unfortunately, by being so nurturing, I have been burned figurtively, many times. Nonetheless, these experiences exposed me to many different personality types and gave invaluable insight into those of whom it often proves futile to help. Why? It’s because these people, for reasons I will explain in detail below, have a propensity to squander any support one gives, and as a result, those who try to help them often wind up feeling frustrated and drained. With that in mind, here are the 7 people you simply can not (or should very cautiously) help:
- People with stunted growth. These people missed a step in their development, most likely as a result of a trauma or abandonment when they were young. How it typically shows up in an adult? —Well, these individuals always seem to be just a few steps behind in the maturity department, which includes having a low emotional IQ. In addition, they may fantasize or obsess over trying to attain goals that are far below their age (think a 35 year old male trying to become a rapper), and often have very poor decision-making skills.
- Why You Can’t Help Them—Although they may be cognitively able to comprehend sound advice, their immaturity will often prevent them from following through with or even taking the actions necessary to improve their lives. These types of people will only change if and when they first make the connection between their lack of progress/success and their stunted emotional development, and then subsequently make the commitment to overcome that flaw.
- Users/Takers! These people will suck you dry—and that will include your time, money, resources, love, compassion, energy and friendship, then they’ll still come back to take more—If you let them.
- Why you can’t help them—Simple—they lack empathy and/or they’re selfish! Either they don’t possess the ability to put themselves into the position of the person/people from which they leech off of, or they’re simply too selfish to care.
- Those who are too broken/Mental Disorders. Sometimes people can’t receive help because they are too immersed in pain. That may look like an adult still reeling from childhood sexual abuse, a woman just getting out of an abusive relationship, or a child with severe anger issues. Likewise, there are people suffering from mental disorders such as PTSD, Anorexia and Bulimia, or even Bi-Polar disorder who would fall under this group.
- Why You Can’t Help them—It’s because these people require the assistance of professionals; whether that is a licensed counselor/therapist, psychologist, or even a physiatrist—these individuals have issues that are far beyond a lay person’s scope.
- Manipulators/Liars—What do these types look like, well, let’s just say I’m not referring to people who tell the occasional “this isn’t me” when a bill collector calls type of lie, those in this category lie habitually, often for no apparent cause. The liar’s cousin, the manipulator, is just as bad. They deceive though subtle mind-games and wordplay.
- Why You Cant Help Them—They’re mentally dangerous! People in this category create an alternate reality in which only they live. Consequently, trying to help them, pulls you into this dimension, which not only leaves you vulnerable, but it increases your likelihood of getting drawn further into their deceptive web.
- The Complacent. These are the people who are happy where they’re at in life and have no desire for better, or for change.
- Why You Can’t Help Them—Because they neither want it, or see a need (even if you do)!
- The Blamers—People in this category have a reason and excuse for everything that doesn’t go their way.
- Why You Can’t Help Them—Because nothing is ever their fault! These folks see the deck as perpetually stacked against them and it’s typically their answer to everything wrong in their lives!
- The Know-it-Alls—These are the individuals who not only know everything, they have an answer for everything as well.
- Why You Can’t Help Them—They won’t listen to anything you say—they no more than you, remember? Talking to them or giving them advice will only fall on deaf ears!
What type of people would you add to this list, or, are there any categories in which you disagree? Let us know your thoughts– we want to hear them!